Ric Seaberg's Useful Information

I kinda envy my dog

She's got a lump on her back

But she doesn't know she's sick

That's a pretty neat trick

When I suffer with a sore throat

I must be fixin' to die

I just know its gonna kill me

Cuz i can think like you and we have

Consciousness

A little consciousness goes a long way

But right now my brains a mess

From the blessing and curse of consciousness 

When the penguins come home to breed

It's an instinctual life they lead

They're not worried 'bout a diamond ring

Relationship talk isn't their thing

I always fear I'm not worthy

Not romantic enough

But then my wife tells me she loves me

And it feels so good, cuz we have consciousness

A little consciousness goes a long way

But right now my brains a mess

From the blessing and curse of consciousness

Solo

Bridge

We got a bully in the house next store

He's kinda twisted and mean

He's tryin' to wreck the scenery

So I had to remind him that we have consciousness

A little consciousness goes a long way

I've got plenty of ways to stress 

With the blessing and curse of consciousness

Yeah we have consciousness

A little consciousness goes a long way

That's what I think when I start to obsess

It's the blessing and curse of consciousness

And when my son beats me again at chess 

Here comes the curse of consciousness 

Bitchin' Camaro

Ric Seaberg 2012

My sister just told me there's a song called "Bitchin' Camaro"

Which is amazing- cuz there are very few rhymes for Camaro 

I just pulled my rhyming dictionary up to check it out on my iPhone 

And just as I suspected rhyming choices for Camaro are narrow 

Yeah my sister Julie says there is a song titled "Bitchin' Camaro"

Well perhaps I could stand- to beef up my head banging collection 

Cuz I haven't really ever heard the song titled Bitchin' Camaro 

So of course that makes it credible for me to write one of my own

Solo

Bridge

There's arrow, and sparrow, but sparrow's unconnected to Camaro

There's taro, and pharaoh , or mispronunciation of Carol.....

Well my sister Julie Facebooked there's a song titled "Bitchin' Camaro"

So now I have to Google it to see who in the hell wrote the first one

And I have just written MY version- in a Facebook window

Since I decided that it's plausible for me to write one of my own 

Yeah I figure it's acceptable for me to write one of my own

Outro

I owned a Bitchin' Camaro

During my mid life crisis

Thank God for rhyming dictionaries

Bruce Springsteen uses one

But when you look up crisis

No results are found

Stay in School

Copyright Ric Seaberg 2012

I guess I shoulda stayed in high school

I wouldn't be on the skids 

I mighta learned how to read and how to

Get along with other kids

I guess I coulda taken

algebra...maybe basic math

I mighta learned how to do my taxes and other stuff like that

(Bridge)

I get so pissed that I cant calculate how much to tip a porter

And I don't understand the poetry in the New Yorker 

Solo 

(Bridge)

I get so pissed that I cant calculate how much to tip a waiter

If I had stayed in school my vo- cah- bew-lurrie’d be greater

I guess I shoulda stayed in high school

What super bowl is it dude?

Cuz I don't know my roman numerals

So basically I'm screwed.

Yeah I can't tell what super bowl it is

Cuz I dropped outa school

Obsess Over You
Copyright Ric Seaberg 2002

I've been worried 'bout shellfish and the meaning of my dreams
There is too much pollution in the rivers and streams
If I don't wash my hands then I might catch the flu
But tonight I believe I'll obsess over you

All the snake shows on cable scare the hell outa me
Somebody’s contractor nightmare I see onTV
My portfolio's wasted, well, what can ya do?
But tonight I believe I'll obsess over you

So lie back, and let me hold you close to me
Relax, I wanna see the world as it's supposed to be

Solo
Bridge
So lie back, let me hold you close to me
Relax, I wanna see the world as it was meant to be

What if I spaced and forgot to pay rent
What if plaque builds up inside of my stent
If the pipes freeze this winter, that wouldn't be good
Built my dream house with concrete, but I shoulda used wood

If I'm sipping espresso when two worlds collide
Or get that vertigo thing like when you lie on your side
There are too many carbs in a Snickers its true
But tonight I believe I'll obsess over you

Yes tonight I believe I’ll obsess over you!

I see a tube top walkin by the laundromat

I see an airstream shinin in the sun by that

There's some nice new trees and a blacktop road

We got a ice machine and a couple hoes

There's a grocery store jes a block away

Where I take the kids on Saturday

We got rules so don let your Bichon bark

Oh that's one hell of an RV park

There's a real nice pool with a changin room 

and they say were gonna get a new hot tub soon

There's a big recycle by a pretty lawn

And Jon Bon Jovi on the intercom 

You can walk to the mall,

fish in the sea

Or get a dry martini from the lady in three

There's lights on the walk so you can see after dark

Yeah that's one hell of an RV park

Solo

Bridge

Oh well on Friday night by the cyclone fence

We watch the high school game commence

My neighbor Dennis is kind of a creep

But I won sixty bucks off his mom last week

There's a big wide driveway t'bring in your rig

By the managers permanent RV crib

Sign a few papers, pick out your site

Take off your hitch and spend the night

We got a real nice garden where you can sit

By a weeping willow with rhodies n'shit

There's a gazin ball, cuz it adds to the art

Yeah that's one hell of an RV park

I can get t Memphis

I can get t Rome

I can get t Oregon

That's my home 

I can get to Macon

And places i'll pass through

Oh I can get to New York City

But I can't get to you

I can get my brother

To vote the way I vote

And I can get my best friend Cac

T'read a poem I wrote

I can find my way up north

T'visit my old crew

yeah I can get t New York City

But I can't get t'you

Solo

Bridge

I tell you funny stories

I gaze into your eyes

I introduce the boys in the band

That's when you say to talk to the hand 

I can get to Reno

To gamble like a shark

But I can't find a way to win

A piece a your heart

Oh I can get to Prineville 

By way of Katmandu

But I would be a happy man

If I could get to you

Yeah I would go most anywhere

If I could get to you

I keep a bottle by the bed

It's too much trouble to get up

They said I'd fade but never said

I'd keep a bottle by my bed

Theres ibuprofen by the bed

In case the pain’s too much to bear

There's other stuff to take instead

My life revolves around NSAIDs 

bridge

I wear a toupe and a brace on my back

There's just a little muscle tone that I lack

But when I tried to fix that hole in the deck

It caused a lump the size a France on my neck

Solo

2nd bridge 

And when I tried to move the barbecue once

I threw my back into a funk for a month

I’m nominated for King of The Gout

I got a half a dozen crowns in my mouth

My father told me I'd get old

So I said daddy you’re a fool

In my old age I'm trying t'thrive

We don't get outa here alive

I keep a bottle by the bed

It's tmi but I don't care 

There's cheddar cheese and whole wheat bread

Beside my bottle by the bed 

No matter what you think of me

I wont be gettin’ up to pee!

There are bed bugs in youth hostels

That's what I believe

There are bed bugs in youth hostels

‘Cause I heard it on Rick Steves

Some are

Clean and some are gross

Up in the mountains or

Down at the coast

There are bed bugs in youth hostels

That's what I believe

There are bed bugs in youth hostels

Some people bring

The are bed bugs in hostel mattresses

Clingin’ to the springs

They hide on your pack

They hide on your head

They like what they see and jump 

the bed

There are bed bugs in youth hostels

Some people bring 

Solo

Bridge

Just because they say they're clean

Oh that's not what they really mean

travel Norway, Timbuktu

And take some bed bugs home with you

First verse

Oh I stepped on an exhibit at the Guggenheim

With my tire track sandals I did my crime

Gee I thought I might be doin jail time

When I stepped on that exhibit at the Guggenheim

Oh I slipped on the terrazzo at the Guggenheim

Man the floors in there are slippery and they sure do shine

I guess I'm lucky that I didn't get tossed and fined

When I stepped on that exhibit at the Guggenheim

refrain

Oh I don't get it

A sheet with a rock on top!

No I don't see the art

And they can git my sandal print off

solo

chorus

Oh I don't get it,

 a sheet with a rock on top

No I don't see the art

And they can scrub my sandal print off

Oh I stepped on an exhibit at the Guggenheim

The installation was said to be so sublime

'Til my tire track sandal crossed the line

And landed on that sheet at the Guggenheim

That priceless sheet at the Guggenheim

That sheet might change the world

All meaningfully unfurled

I should watch where I walk!

I almost touched the rock!

and ruined the design!

When I stepped on that exhibit at the Guggenheim

Americano latte macchiato breve, bring me some caffeine please

Frappuccino 6 shot, sugar free, extra hot'n one of those Chinese teas

We don' work for nothin', we got bills to pay

But if you ask why I do it, this is what I'll say.......

Chorus

I'm jus' keepin' my Starbucks card in the black

That's why I do it, that's why I break my back

t'keep my Starbucks card in the black

Roll me outa bed yo, grande espresso, to get me back on track,

If you wanna treat me, then you can meet me, down at the coffee shack

I got some mean expenses....I guess that says it all

And when I'm on my knees today, workin’ in the driving rain

Chorus

Solo

Bridge

I don' need no mansion, no Mercedes Benz

All I need to satisfy, is the last and greatest legal high!!

Americano latte macchiato breve, bring me some caffeine please

Frappuccino 6 shot, sugar free, extra hot'n one of those Chinese teas

I try hard to wreck my jeans, yet another pair

Well I may not get rich this way, but I don't really care.....

Chorus, then

Last chorus

I'm jus' keepin' my, keepin' my Starbucks card in the black

That's why I do it, that's why I break my back

t'keep my Starbucks card in the black

It's a man cave Sunday, a man cave marathon

It's my favorite show

It's a man cave Sunday. A man cave marathon

Everywhere you go!

First and ten do it again

With less commercials

Did you see that?

What a catch!

What's wrong with these officials?

Get ready t'cuss and cheer

I got a 60" screen on the wall out here

Chorus

Solo

Refrain 

Get the beer and the nachos out 

Guys love sports with food in their mouth!

Chorus 

When I put it by grandma it sounded so clean

When I put it grampa it caused a scene

When I put by brother he rolled his eyes

And when i put it by you that wasn't wise

It's a gas. I got glass. There's emissions coming out your ass

I didn't mean to be mean

But I just love my remote controlled fart machine 

When I put it by it Katie

It sounded so loose

Then I put it by Timmy, Bill and Bruce

I could see my sister was at a loss

It was a similar vibe when I got my boss

Refrain 

Solo

Bridge

There's no silent but deadly to set it on

But the tear ass creepers are loud and long

So I took it on Sunday and said a prayer

Then I taped it behind the ministers chair

N when it blew humungous wet n warm

The whole congregation was transformed

It's a gas. I got class.

And when I set it by the pastors ass

I didn't mean to be mean

But I just love my remote control fart machine

I'm gonna get me a new job, one with lots of clout

I'm gonna get a new hairstyle, and start puttin' out

Im gonna buy a new Chevy, one with lots of speed

And maybe I'd like a sweet hookah pipe, and a big ol' bag of weed

Chorus

Cuz I need friends, not the Facebook kind

The kind that only say what's on their mind

Yeah I need friends, not the cyberspace pool

And the geeks I used to know at my high school

I'm gonna buy me a Rolex, and dye my temples grey

I'm gonna make sure everyone, gives a shit what I say

I'm gonna dine at restaurants, where the food is overpriced

Cuz maybe I'll meet when I'm eatin' my meat....somebody nice!

 Chorus

Solo

Bridge

Jimmy Knutson and Dixie! I really think you’re swell!

But the rest of you people with hundreds of friends

You can go to hell!

Cuz I need friends, not the Facebook kind

The kind that only say what's on their mind

Yeah I need friends, not the cyberspace pool

And the geeks I used to know at my high school

Yeah I need friends, not the Facebook kind

The kind that only say what's on their mind

Yeah I need friends, cuz at this stage

I don't have enough friends on my info page!

I'm gonna run in a marathon, next summer in June

Cuz if I run in a marathon, that'll show I'm big and strong

No I'm not lazy, fat or old...I've still got a heart of gold

There's a store where I can run and buy some food to get it done

Carb load! Bring on the bread ...Carb load! Bring on the red

Potatoes and butter, that is the plan

Cuz I'm gonna be a marathon man

I'm gonna run in a marathon, T'show my kids I'm great

And when I've run that twenty six, I'll just do "point two" for kicks

And when I finish they'll be glad, that I'm no sedentary dad

So I'll eat pasta and drink more beer, T' fit into my Nike gear.. .......

Carb load! Bring on the bread.....Carb load! Bring on the red

Potatoes and gravy, that is the plan

Cuz I'm gonna be their marathon man!

Solo

Bridge

And when I triumph on marathon day

The triathlon's a whisper away!

Verse 3

I'm gonna run in a marathon, and show'em how it's done

I'm gonna watch those miles drift by

Step back chilluns, and watch gramps fly

And when I cross that finish line, in some kinda grandpa, record time

I won't stop my regimen

Cuz there inside the finish tent

I'll carb load! Bring on the pie!...Carb load! Reubens on rye!

Danish and strudel, carmelized flan!

Yeah I'm gonna be a marathon man

Outro:

And you know I’m not gonna starve, cuz Ill be loading up on carbs

And when I finish up my crust, That’s when you can eat my dust!

Don't drive your car in the bike lane Joe 

You almost killed this guy I know Once you're dead you're dead for life

Don't drive your car in the bike lane, Mike

It was a beautiful day for a ride 

He got his sunscreen all applied 

He put an energy bar in his pack.

A water bottle and Click and Clack But with the sun shining down on him 

Here comes the part that's kinda grim

A driver did not see him pass

Until his helmet get the windshield glass

Chorus

Solo 

Verse 2

And now his helmet is enshrined 

We feel lucky that he's doing fine

A little shaky but he won't quit 

As for the bike....... recycle it

Chorus

Last chorus

Don't drive your car in the bike lane Joe 

You almost killed this guy I know 

Once you're dead you're dead fo' sho'

Don't drive your car in the bike lane Bro

In trouble again. My baby was on attack
I thought I might clean the fridge
Pull out the yogurts in the back
But I guess I was wrong. it turned into a big ol' fight
Now that was a terrible day..
And a one dog night

In the den again-
Just the two of us lickin' our wounds
Sharin' a super-size, fightin' for sofa room
It's a long way back..when your bark's as big as your bite
Now that was a terrible day.....And a one dog night

Solo

Bridge
Now there are times I would rather die
But it's not my time to go
Someone here still needs to fetch.
So someone has to throw.

Oh I wish I could say "I love you", just one more time
Take her hand down a rocky road
Tell her how blessed I am she's mine
Go to sleep with a little laugh
Wake up beside my wife
Oh it's been a terrible day
And it's a one dog night

There are 300 million chances you'll be born, 

300 mill at the time

So on average it's amazing you were born at all

and a product of nature’s design

There are 300 million chances you'll be you

300 mill I am me

It's much better than a jackpot on a tv show

It's much bigger than the lottery

So just be happy, don't be angry

You're so lucky to be living at all

Be creative, check out the sunrise

Give your sisters and your brothers a call

Solo

Bridge

Verse 3

There are 300 million chances you'll be born

So when you ask why am I me

You're so lucky you it's a question

You can ask at all

And your name goes down in history

My doggie died and my coffee was cold

I realized that I was getting old

The spin cycle in the washer broke

Our neighbor's attitude's a bit of a joke

Chorus

But that was one day

That was, one day in my life

Only one day

Only one day in my life

I dropped my ramen on the kitchen floor

I left my wallet at the hardware store

The avocado I just bought is too ripe

Under the sink I found a leaky pipe

Chorus

Solo

Bridge

I see the future and I live in the past

When I'm not bein' here now

Sometimes the moment is hard to take

Sometimes I lose my faith cuz

My brother's woman had a wreck in her truck

She was a lady with a lot of pluck

We won't forget her- She's here in our hearts

I know she'd want us all to make a new start

Cuz that was one day, etc

Chorus twice out