Ric Seaberg's Useful Information

I took my wife’s dry cleaning to the Goodwill store

What a nice donation...there was jubilation

When the cashmere sweaters that my wife adores

Hit the sweater hangers of the Goodwill store

There they were in the hallway....bagged up for the trip

Twelve sweaters and dresses...Shoes bras and a slip

“Take this one to sister’s house...Go by there first!

Take the rest to charity...but not this one...

Which belongs to me!”

I took my wife’s dry cleaning to the Goodwill store

What a nice donation...there was jubilation

When the cashmere sweaters that my wife adores

Hit the sweater hangers of the Goodwill store

Solo

Bridge

I know that people make mistakes...everybody does

But this might call for suicide...cuz when I saw those tears she cried

I fought back the tears myself......actin’ mighty tough

But she said she felt fine enough...

Since I could buy her all new stuff!

Chorus, then

Last Chorus with changes, 

I took my wife’s dry cleaning to the Goodwill store

What a nice donation...there was jubilation

Well I might be stupid but I’m not a bore

And they sure do love me at the Goodwill store

(Companion song to "Jesus Didn't Have a Car" from Santa Monica CD)

Workin’ like a dog in Bethlehem,

No idea of things to come

Carry that weight and lift that wood

Later he’d be understood

But in those days he couldn’t go far

Since Jesus didn’t have a car

Thank god for a little breather....

Jesus didn’t have a car payment either!

Jesus had a winning way

People loved him from the start

Drawn to Jesus, drawn to see him

Put the horse before the cart

But in those days beyond the star

Jesus didnt have a car

But way before the days of Caesar

Jesus didn’t have a car payment either

Jesus went from town to town

Gathering a loyal flock

He had money, love and praise

And perfect credit all his days

But there were no romantic drives

No time to hug and squeeze her

Cuz jesus didn’t have a car but...

Jesus didn’t have a car payment either!

He was payin’ his bills on the internet...when the

Sun spots...sabotaged earth

It was the biggest fire in recorded time, the biggest

Sun spots in the universe

Well he clicked to send all the bills he paid....that’s when his 

Hard drive....stranded his purse

It was the coldest freeze a computer’s known

The coldest hard drive in the universe

So that’s when he put his mouse away and he tried to call support

But he couldnt get a dial tone

You may not get to use the phone when 

Sun spots create a mass ejection in the hot solar atmosphere

Radiation is emitted all across the spectrum and the 

Xrays end up here

Solo

Oh the radio waves in the radio stopped when the 

Sun spots...vandalized earth

And the banker said no, we can’t send your dough because the 

Sun spots....are getting worse

So that’s when he thought he might need a margarita

And found the nearest bar

But when he ordered his drink....the waitress smirked

Our blender never seems to work when...

Sun spots create a mass ejection in the hot solar atmosphere

Radiation is emitted all across the spectrum and the 

Xrays end up here

Radiation is emitted all across the spectrum and the 

Xrays end up here

Woooooo

(Thought it might me funny to do a reggae version of this song so I could say "She's a monneater")

She only come out’ anigh, deh lean a’hungry tyyyyype

Nuttin’ idda new , I seen huh here befoe

Watchin’ an’waitin’, ooooh she sitta witta you 

buh her eye iss on deh doe

So many day pay to see...whatchu thinka you getta foe free

Deh woman issa wile, a she cat tame by deh purr offa jaguah

Issa money dat matta, if you inna foe luv you ain’ gonna get to fah

Oh here she come, watch out boy, she chew you up

Oh here she come, sheese a moneateah (repeat)

I wouldn’t iffa I were you, I know wha’shee can do

Sheesa deadly mon, she could really rippa yo whirl apar

mind ova  matta, ooohh deh beauty issa dare but da bease iss inn deh heart

chorus

solo

chorus 4x

second chorus - she only come outa nigh’

I keep a telephone in my fanny pack

I had to buy one after my heart attack

I'm callin' triple A if I get a flat

There is a special button designed for that

I carry credit cards and some medicine

I make too many stops at the ATM

I got a fishin' license for Oregon

I carry extra shades and a Leatherman

I got my whole damn world inside of that purse

No I don't keep a spare

So when I leave it at your house next time…

Please don't tell me….it's not there

Chorus

You gotta try a little harder next time Mary, try a little harder please

Or you can tell my wife next time…YOU just lost the Volvo key, so

Try a little harder next time Mary, I am down on my knees..

Look a little further next time won'cha…try a little harder please

Solo

I got some fat-free candy and bubble gum

I carry dental floss if yer needin' some

I got some nice new checks in the marathon

They got my first name right and my last name……wrong

You gotta try a little harder next time Mary,. Try a little harder doll..

Don' call me up to say you found it…

After I've replaced it all!

You gotta try a little harder next time Mary, I am down on my knees

Look a little further next time won'cha, try a little harder, look a little further

PLEASE!!!!

The food Lester loves......the artichoke

Oat bran cereal, half ‘n’half

The food Lester loves.....the barbecue

Baby backs or a leg of lamb

But whether breakfast, lunch or dinner

There is one unbeaten winner.....

Sour Cream! goes with anything you like to eat

Sour Cream!  doesn’t matter if it’s savory or sweet!

Nachos, cheesecake, Apple Strudel

Chicken or Beef Burgundy

Danish Pastry, Cheesy Blintzes

Or your favorite fricassee

In the borsch you make for grandad

It’s one perfect saucy comrade!

Chorus

Solo

Release

Other condiments have style

But nothing is so versatile

Chorus then

Last chorus

Sour Cream! from Seattle to the Carribean

Sour Cream!

We prefer our grub with

Sour Cream!

I love the NFL, I love the NBA

I love to see one land in Frisco Bay

I like to play to win, It fires up my brain

I get a special high at the football game.....

DOPAMINE!

D-O-P-A-M-I-N-E

Every time I scream

Here comes the DOPAMINE!

I love the Poker shows, I like the river card

I like the rush I get when I win one hard

I like to play to crush, I wanna wear the crown

I get a royal flush when the chips are down....

DOPAMINE!

D-O-P-A-M-I-N-E

When I’ m holdin’ queens

Here comes the DOPAMINE!

Solo

Bridge

Turn a monkey’s hormones loose....let’m win some apple juice

Neuroscientists have seen....they begin to neurotransmit raging dopamine!!!!

I like to make a bet on the superbowl

I like to watch The Tide begin to roll

I love t’see’m score...the juices start to flow

A little knock-out punch...or a touchdown throw...

DOPAMINE!

D-O-P-A-M-I-N-E

We won by seventeen

Here comes the DOPAMINE!

We're on the winning team!

Here comes the dopamine, dopamine!

In trouble again. My baby was on attack
I thought I might clean the fridge
Pull out the yogurts in the back
But I guess I was wrong. it turned into a big ol' fight
Now that was a terrible day..
And a one dog night

In the den again-
Just the two of us lickin' our wounds
Sharin' a super-size, fightin' for sofa room
It's a long way back..when your bark's as big as your bite
Now that was a terrible day.....And a one dog night

Solo

Bridge
Now there are times I would rather die
But it's not my time to go
Someone here still needs to fetch.
So someone has to throw.

Oh I wish I could say "I love you", just one more time
Take her hand down a rocky road
Tell her how blessed I am she's mine
Go to sleep with a little laugh
Wake up beside my wife
Oh it's been a terrible day
And it's a one dog night

There’s Fritos on the table, in a plastic football tray

It’s the biggest sporting moment in the USA

I call my buddy Andy, and I make all the food

I greet him at the door and he yells “Dude!”

Wearin’ a football helmet, with beers on the top                        

So you can sip without your hands and don’t have to stop

He puts a rack of Guinness… in the cooler by me

I see his wife turn sideways and say to Marie…

“I’m not sure I like Superbowl Andy

I’m not sure I like the way he behaves

I’m not sure I like Superbowl Andy at all”

We’ve got blow up armchairs…inscribed with Miller Lite

And Cheesehead hats we purchased from the Packer’s site

But we prefer Seattle so we painted them blue

Green Bay’s not our team but Cheeseheads rule!

There’s hot and hotter hot wings, and dip t’cool’em off

And then we like to drench’em in Tabasco sauce

The girls are talking softly, when Andy hollers “SWEET!”

He needs a small reminder so his wife repeats….

“I’m not sure I like Superbowl Andy

I’m not sure I like the way he behaves

I’m not sure I like Superbowl Andy at all”

Solo

Bridge

We get so excited when our team begins to score

So I grab the football closest to the couch

I send Andy long but then he trips and starts to fall

I cringe in horror when he puts his helmet through the wall

“Im not sure I like Superbowl Andy

I’m not sure I like the way he behaves

I’m not sure I like Superbowl Andy at all”

Repeat with other voices

We’re not sure we like  Superbowl Andy etc

Allergy Sufferer.....you with the sneeze

Allergy Sufferer.....you with the wheeze

We can be sure you will.....remember to take your pill

Or you’ll be suffering all day...

Try to get lots of rest...at your computer desk...

Allergy Sufferer

Allergy Sufferer....you’re mad as hell

Allergy Sufferer....when your tongue starts to swell

So keep those carpets clean...t’keep all your histamine

From getting a chance to make you ill

But maybe that scone you tried...did have an egg inside

Allergy Sufferer

Solo

Bridge

Maybe you’re itchin’ so you start t’bitchin’ cuz it ain’t fun

Gimme a jingle if you start to tingle when you’ve been stung

Allergy Sufferer....I heard you got

Allergy Sufferer...anaphylactic shock

When you were driving home.....you popped a few prednisone

Then took a turn for the ER

Now you won’t forget again....to get a fresh Epipen...

Allergy Sufferer

Grab a pick and a shovel

A parka might be nice

We found an ancient mammoth

Buried in the ice

Icefield in motion

Hairdryer and tools

No vodka while working

You know that's against the rules

(chorus)

We are digging a hole 

Pretty much by hand

On Siberian soil

Not a temperate land

We are digging a hole

To reveal the sight

Of a hairy old beast

On the tundra tonight

The Discovery Channel

Kinda blows my mind

TV worth watchin'

Most of the time

There goes the chopper

To the sound of cheers

The Woolly Mammoth is waking up after

Twenty thousand years

We are digging a hole

The size of a car

Not a Beetle or a Beamer

Or a Jaguar

We are digging a hole

To reveal the sight

Of a hairy old beast

On the tundra tonight

IYou save condiment packets, and those twisty things on bread

You save Atlantic Monthlys 'til I cannot see the bed

We've got plastic bags and rubber bands to last a century

But I'm forever grateful that you saved me

You save lilacs and roses, you cannot bear to prune

It's hard to find the sidewalk by the middle of june

And every tag from every plant for eternity

But I'm forever grateful that you saved me

Solo

Bridge

When I was lost you were there to show me the way

While God was drinkin' coffee at the Campus Café

And He prefers his brew at The Divinity School

Cuz it says so on that t-shirt you bought in '72!!!!

Solo

You save your grandmother's glasses, and her doilies full of holes

Clothes that haven't fit since you were 18 years old

And every rock and piece of wood you found by the sea

And so you see I'm grateful that you saved me

There I was mouth open, soundin’ like a frog

Deeper than my fishin’ lake, in the land of nod

And just when sleep is perfect, and I’m smashin’ down my hair

A nightmare comes to wreck my night,

And I’m so glad you’re there......

When bad dreams happen to good people

When monsters interrupt my sleep

You awake to comfort me, and get me back on sheep

When bad dreams happen to good people like me

Solo

Release

When I’ve become the hunted, when the dogs get lost

When they take me off to jail cuz they say I shot my boss

When I freeze onstage and I forget my own song’s words

That’s when you turn the light on so that I can rest assured

When bad dreams happen to good people

When my legs refuse to run

You awake to take away the gangsters and their guns

When bad dreams happen to good people like me

When bad dreams happen to good people 

When I have to stand and fight

You awake to comfort me and then we say goodnight

When bad dreams happen to good people like me

Maybe the Republicans stole the election, maybe not

I went down and made my selection, and got what I got

But there’s a million people who believe

There’s a vast conspiracy

So they are marchin’ on to fight

Further left than right of right

But if you see black and white

Shades of grey

In between

You weren’t born that way

Yes if you see black and white

Shades of grey

In between

Then you likely don’t posess

the fundamentalist gene

Solo

Bridge

Verse2

They found a gene for predisposing cancer of the skin

And pretty soon they’ll know if you should play the violin

And there’s a gene for those whose quest is spiritual in kind

And some will try to win you with a fundamentalist line

Chorus

There was a special sale on beer that day, and she was settin’ up the rack

She had a table full of chips and dip, so you could fill your sack

She was just an actress, standing there beside the wines

And when a customer would ask, she would say these lines....

It’s available now.....not yesterday....

There’s no limit to the beer that you can take away

It’s available now, all you’ll ever need

All coupons we allow....

It’s available now

It was a special sale on beer that day that was keeping her from tears

She was trying to forget him just by sellin’ all those beers

It was a case of being sorry.....for saying she’d be gone

But as the customers filed by, she continued on.....

Chorus

Solo

Bridge

But when he walked into the grocery store, and found her with a kiss

And said I cannot live without your love..... she replied with this.....

It’s available now.....not yesterday....

There’s no limit to the love that you can take away

It’s available now, all you’ll ever need

All coupons we allow....

It’s available now

Repeat Chorus, out

I love you on your birthday, as every year goes by

I love you on St. Patrick’s...When there’s a rainbow passin’ by

I love you on Thanksgiving, when football’s on TV

But Everyday is Christmas, when you are here with me

I love you on Columbus Day, when Fall returns again

And later in October, when daylight saving ends

I love you on Election Day, though we may disagree

But Everyday is Christmas, when you are here with me

Solo

Bridge

This year I filled packages, and dressed them up so nice

Some are wrapped in red and green,

Some in stars and stripes

I love you when you’re absent, on Independence Day

I say my prayers and promise....anything to keep you safe

I love you on St. Valentine’s, the chocolate and chablis

But Everyday is Christmas, when you are home with me