• Lyrics Treats

    Treats

    Ric Seaberg

    September 2014

     

    I nearly croaked in double aught

    The farm for sale, and almost bought!

    And all those years I rose at 3...

    Irrelevant...but wait, you see…

    I drove myself (it was much quicker)

    And in ER they fixed my ticker

     

    Tonight I scooped up foil wrappers

    Off the carpet, since the yappers

    Found them scrunched upon the table

    And pulled them down because they're able

    The fragrant chocolate residue

    Is something that they must review

     

    And crawling round upon my knees

    I heard myself say "Honey please!

    Feel free to fix your chocolate jones

    But give these wrappers better homes"

     

    Which led me to begin to think

    About those treats like cocktail drinks,

    Doughnuts, pastries, cakes and pies,

    Naughty foods like shakes and fries

    And I would say with all my heart 

    We must allow the mousse and tart

    Cream puff, Danish, rich ganache

    To be the foods we sometimes nosh!

     

    Moderation, yes!, for sure

    But never let your diet blur 

    Some pure enjoyment of these sweets

    For one day, when your life completes

    You may just want to look back then

    And gratefully remember when 

    You went ahead and broke some laws

    And chowed that quart of Haagen Dazs!

  • Lyrics Bible Scholar By Default

    Bible Scholar By Default

    Ric Seaberg

     

    My mother used to tell me that religion is a joke

    “Religion is the opiate of ignorants” she’d poke

    But you were one great neighbor!, whose ignorance was bliss

    And just by being friends with you I picked up that and this:

     

    Oh, Mary was a virgin..... Joseph was her man

    Jesus was a carpenter but he had larger plans

    You said “There’s a higher power 

    We should worship and exalt!”

    And that’s how I became 

    A Bible Scholar By Default

     

    We’d go pickin’ berries in the summer for some bread

    Workin’ down the rows you’d tell me “Jesus raised the dead!

    Cleansed the sinners! There’s a record of it on a scroll!”

    And maybe I should take Lord Jesus into my own soul

     

    Oh, Mary was a virgin..... Jesus without sin

    Judas was the knucklehead who turned The Saviour in

    When you take his name in vain, you risk a thunderbolt

    No “Jesus Christ!!!!” when you’re 

    A Bible Scholar By Default

     

    Solo

    Bridge

    So thank you for your kindness, in teaching me the words

    Mother was a sweetheart but her vision slightly blurred

    Cuz I became a Christian, underneath the Monkeypod

    As you recited passages about the Lamb of God

     

    Oh, Mary was a virgin, when Jesus came to Earth

    (I still have misconceptions when it comes to virgin birth)

    But you were there to guide me as we sipped our shake or malt

    And helped me to become 

    A Bible Scholar By Default

     

  • Lyrics Homage to Fromage

    Homage to Fromage

    Ric Seaberg

     

    I grab my wallet. Need some scratch!

    We're off to see another match

    Oh yeah, that's soccer, “match” I mean

    I’m talkin’ Blazers!, that’s our team!

    He shoots, he scores! Another three!

    Jump ball! Ref's blind, apparently!

    I'm hungry! Time for junk food guys!

    Chicken wings and curly fries

    Barbecue and ice cold beer

    Don't they have hot dogs in here?

    Suhweet! Big Polish dogs without....

    So I stack mine with mustard, kraut!

    Pickled cabbage, o'er the top

    I start to eat and cannot stop

    They're bad for you, all fat and gristle

    While kraut may make your buttocks whistle

    But I'll not flinch when sometime later

    I climb into the elevator

    And then smell rancid, gaseous fumes

    Whilst stuck inside that tiny room!

    I hold it back, and make my choice

    And adamantly raise my voice!

    Hark I say! And try to squeeze...

    Which one of YOU has cut the cheese??!

     

  • Lyrics What My Dog Taught Me

    My dog's so zen, the moment's king
    She lives this sec and does her thing 
    I've watched her all her life, and wow
    That's how I've learned to be here now

  • Lyrics Jet

    Jet

    Ric Seaberg 

     

    The yard, you say, is parched and brown

    "Come, bring that hose and sprinkler down-

    Bring the wand that sprinkles plenty

    The one one holds, with settings many"

    "Aye-aye, dear wife, I'll lug the hose

    So you may nourish Austin rose

    And basil, see, it too needs drink

    And even succulents, I think"

    "Thanks dear, now sit and drink your Coke

    And I shall now commence to soak

    The Daphne, Snaps, Crocosmia

    Banana, beans and Stevia

    And you shall not be asked to spray

    A single plant, of ours today

    For I have seen you, through the glass

    Use "JET!" you brute, have you no class?!

    We never spray the plants with settings, 

    Full, or Hard, and NEVER Jettings

    These plants want soaker, spray and mist

    Their leaves and branches, softly kissed

    "But, honey, I am sensitive!

    I know the plants, how much to give!

    Some say my thumb is green, not tan

    And I can garden, for a man!

    So let me use the setting "JET"

    I shan't disturb the plants or get

    A big hole going, showing roots

    But JET can reach the bamboo shoots

    The vines and trees shall all be wet

    As I spray upward from the deck

    a gentle rain falls soft and free

    The gentleman, with sprinkler, ME!

  • Lyrics What It's Like at 65

    What it's like at 65

    Ric Seaberg

    First, I rise to start the day
    And make some coffee right away
    I'm grateful that I'm still alive 
    That's what it's like at 65!

    I text my kids and grandkids too
    My grandkids call but don't get through
    They leave a message full a'jive
    That's what it's like at 65!

    I walk the dog, this day in June
    She gets her groom on pretty soon
    There's chores for me to do inside  
    That's what it's like at 65!

    I knuckle shake my son in bed
    I kiss my wife and then I head
    Out to the van to make the drive
    That's what it's like 65!

    Later, I'll stop at Lloyd Center
    Then do some stuff for Jan, my renter
    Take a nap, and then revive
    That's what it's like at 65!

    The NBA has finished so
    It's FOOTBALL pretty soon yaknow!
    The Ducks and Seahawks will arrive!
    And I'll be there, at 65!

    And thank you friends, for cheering me!
    With happy birthday wishes, see?
    Check it out, a guy can thrive!
    Even when he's 65!

  • Lyrics The Godforsaken Barbecue Area

    The Godforsaken Barbecue Area

    Ric Seaberg

    I'm drinking wine.... I like that part!

    Out here beside the roller cart

    And pots and fertilizer row

    Our garden stuff, that needs to go

    Whilst those whose lives do matter most

    Speak tomes inside, from coast to coast

    But I, whose smokey barbecue

    May tweak the sinuses or spew

    Some toxic fumes into the rooms

    Sit solemnly, and turn the schrooms

     

    Ah lamb, ah marinaded steak

    Ah salmon, trout from Diamond lake

    You sear, while on the barbecue

    And I, beside the dead bamboo

    Grill meats and vegetables sublime

    Perhaps they'll share the deck sometime

  • Lyrics My Status About Our Dog

    My Status About Our Dog
    Ric Seaberg

    Sometimes I think about demise
    But being 63 and wise
    I won't care much when things go black
    Cuz when you die, you don't know jack

    But those who stay to carry on
    Without your sonnets, since you've gone
    That's who suffers, lovers, friends
    And even your Mercedes Benz
    Left to loved ones, young and old
    Will eventually be sold

    I've got one dog who stays with me
    Ten years old and worry free
    But since her diagnosis came
    Things 'round here aren't quite the same
    So here's a prayer for that good dog
    Named in song, poem and blog...

    Now I lay me down to sleep
    By the dog I wish to keep
    But if she dies before I wake
    I pray the Lord will serve her steak

  • Lyrics I Go Along To Get Along

    I Go Along to Get Along

    Ric Seaberg

     

    I go along to get along

    My operandi's teamish.....

    When I am serving coffee,

    Then I'm sure to offer creamish

    On Easter I make deviled eggs

    All lovely and supremeish

    And then I serve them on this tray

    Since it delights the squeamish!

     

  • Lyrics Father Time Laughs Last

    Father Time Laughs Last 

    Ric Seaberg

     

    I take some pills

    And take my naps

    At times I think I

    May collapse

    While young men work

    Beyond the clock

    I may have lost

    My train of thought 

    You'll be up here!

    Just blink your eye

    Those days are years

    In short supply 

    One day too soon

    The present's past

    And Father Time 

    is laughing last

  • Lyrics Forgotten Condiment

    Forgotten Condiment

    Ric Seaberg

     

    I use it on the Polish, the wienie and the brat

    And dogs they sell at Costco

    Beside the parking lot

    I spritz the yellow mustard

    And pack the bun with kraut

    But I don't start to wheel my cart

    And leave the store without

    THE RELiSH! Whom some have said

    Has started its descent

    I said THE RELiSH shan't be a

    Forgotten condiment!

     

    Not on my watch, no sirree,

    Bob, or Steve or Gladys

    No we're not talkin' lutefisk,

    radicchio or haggis!

    I hold that dog right below

    The Costco crank contraption

    And extrude upon that kosher tube

    A line of relish action!

     

    Forgotten condiment??!! Pshaw!!

    Don't even get me started!

    So flavorful and crunchy!

    Spicey sweet and tarted!

    And though I'll say I love the sweet

    Some folks prefer the dilly

    THE RELiSH is the topper!

    To leave it off's jus' silly!

     

    So restaurants! Ball parks! Food cart lots and other types of venues!

    Don't do something crazy like eliminate from menus......

    THE RELiSH! Have you lost your mind? We relish folks resent...

    That you you might call... The best of all!...

    Forgotten Condiment!

     

  • Lyrics Trytophan

     Tryptophan

    Ric Seaberg

     

    I think that I shall never slam
    Another ounce of tryptophan
    Before the meal I felt quite placid
    Balanced in amino acid
    But then that wing, potatoes, thigh
    And I've become o'er stuffed so I
    Shall skip dessert, that's the plan...
    I'm up to here in tryptophan

     

  • Lyrics Halloween in Portlandia

    Halloween in Portlandia

    Ric Seaberg

     

    It's prolly no mistake that "scary"

    Rhymes so well with Cemetary

    I just passed Portland's own "Lone Fir"

    And felt a chill, but I prefer

    To dwell on thoughts of those who've died

    Who are those cats whose bodies lie

    Buried deep inside the clay?

    And who if you need DNA

    To solve a murder, rape or heist

    Must be exhumed and buried twice?

     

    Portland's pioneers and mothers

    Businessmen and others, brothers

    Sisters, doctors, doughnut fryer

    Grocery clerks and Ol' Fred Meyer

     

    Yes on this Halloween......a pity

    That all those peeps who built our city

    Even though now somewhat scary

    Shall not brunch with Fred or Carrie

    And shall not see this lovely prize

    A Portland fully realized

     

  • Lyrics My Universal Truth List
    My Universal Truth List
    By Ric Seaberg

    1. It is best to be kind to everyone. You might sometimes find yourself caring more about yourself than others. Try to resist that. Give more. Especially to the infirm or disabled.

    2. Work hard and get a lot of shit done. It'll give you confidence and set an example. And all that shit'll be done.

    3. It is not wise to jump bones on your friend's wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend. You'll make someone you care about feel terrible and lose faith.

    4. It is a really good idea to plant trees. So if you have room, plant some. But make wise variety choices. Like don't plant an apple tree in your parking strip.

    5. Drive safely. You wouldn't want to kill someone who doesn't deserve to die. Like don't drive when it's icy, and NEVER follow too close.

    6. If you are a carnivore, it is best to be thankful for the meats you eat and support efforts for ethical treatment of animals that we eat. Show some respect for the gift of meat.

    7. When you borrow money, a tool, something, return it ASAP. It is fine to borrow. It is not fine to not return what you borrow.

    8. If you are charged with taking your wife's laundry to the cleaners, don't take it to Goodwill by mistake.

    9. Everyone should know how to make a decent Pizza from scratch.

    10. Play sports and encourage children to play sports. Sports teaches so much about getting along with others and coping with disappointment.

    11. It is best to not gossip, and to not be unfairly critical of others. Like never say, "you drink too much coke that's why you're fat". People can figure that stuff out on their own.

    12. It is best to have a smart phone. But don't text while driving.

     

  • Story Lyrics Diet Resolution

    Egad!, the busy season's o'er, the fruitcake sold too fast!

    We hope you had nice holidays, cuz we sure had a blast!

    But now, the party's over gang, and resolutions made

    No doughnuts, danish, pies or cake, no Coke or lemonade!

    No creamy bismarcks, plump and full, are dripping down my chin

    No way are German chocolate squares prescribed to make one thin

    So I stick close to healthy stuff, Top Ramen, Macs and fries,

    And M and M's are so darn small, they couldn't hurt you guys!

    so we wait patiently right now, for business to come back

    Cuz soon we'll see a new return to doughnuts in the sack!

    And now, while things are slowish, PLEASE!, remember Richard's crew

    It's hard to pay the bills right now, and boy I've got a few!

    Thanks everyone for ringing up our bakery goods in fairness

    We thank you for YOUR business too, and for your kind awareness

    So come on over, eat a bar, forsake that doggone diet!

    We love to serve you special treats, especially when you buy it!!!

     

     

  • Lyrics Your Hallmark Card from Heaven Just Arrived in Me (Mother's Day 2015)
    I know how much you love me
    I know how hard you tried
    To keep a smile upon my face
    To be my friend and guide
    Protecting me from peril
    And other kinds of help
    You lifted me when I was down
    And made me love myself
    I didn't try to die on you
    But I was very sick
    I lasted for a lifetime though
    And through the thin and thick
    You helped me see the brighter side
    And educated me
    You helped me to achieve my goals
    Be all that I could be!
    You always thought it special
    How I never did complain
    Why would I with a mom like you
    To love and entertain!
    We laughed together! Found the joy!
    In sunshine and in rain!
    My life was great! You made it so!
    Thanks Mom! I love you!

    Blaine

     

  • Lyrics How Art Works


    How Art Works
    Ric Seaberg 

    Most things he does in natural ways,
    Dips his eggs in mayonnaise,
    Folds his hands up when he prays,
    But he runs like a fish

    Plays guitar behind his head,
    Keeps a clock beside his bed,
    Paints his bathroom orange and red,
    But he runs like a fish

    Oh people like his normal smell,
    Old Spice, steak, and Taco Bell,
    And walking, oh!, he does so well!
    But he runs like a fish

    He butters up his toast with jam,
    Tips his hat! Says "Thank you ma'am",
    Pays his tax to Uncle Sam,
    But he runs like a fish

    So don't you think he's just like you!
    And views the world as others do,
    For that would be to misconstrue!
    'Cause he runs like a fish


  • Lyrics Kudos to Step-Dad from Real Dad

    When we first met, I must admit

    I raised one eyebrow high.

    My ex-wife's beau-

    My heart said NO!

    You cannot like this guy!

     

    Then as I watched you drive away

    With wife, and my kids, Dad.....

    I'll cop to my perception

    That you must be someone bad.

     

    Now time has passed and you're still there,

    My children grown before you.

    And I give thanks, for I have seen 

    Them love you and adore you.

     

    For in Life's Broadest Picture,

    You've been my ally, friend.

    You've done my parenting for me 

    When I could not attend.

     

    Now motherhood's the Greatest Task

    A woman can perform-

    And if we lovers make good Dads

    We help them brave the storm.

     

    So thank you from the bottom 

    Of my heart, you've my esteem!

    You've given of yourself....

    A crucial member of the team!

     

    You've stood your ground on issues

    In the absence of my spirit.

    You subbed for me and listened

    When you did not want to hear it.

     

    So, Step-Dad, Real-Dad kudos!

    Proud men salute you, dude!

    Good Kharma lives in guys like you...

    In me, deep gratitude.

  • Lyrics Halloween at Favorites Bakery 1992

    Halloween at Favorites Bakery 1992

     

    Fall springs to life! We’re blessed with rain!

    This summer’s drought is on the wane.

    I’m thinkin’ ‘bout some pumpkin sweets~

    Like doughnuts, cakes, and other treats.

    Cuz soon the howling comes to town

    To haunt us as the leaves turn brown.

    And we’re here bustin’, off the leash…

    Cuttin’ pumpkins, bakin’ quiche~

    For goblin’ parties, office klatches.

    Major King Omega batches!

     

    Yes, we’ll be down here at our post,

    While you’re still dippin’ cocoa toast.

    Oh Halloween! You’re nearly here!

    A time for Mars and Musketeer!

    You’re thinkin’ hard for something cool

    For kids to wear at night or school.

    No Mom! That’s lame! Just not hip.

    Could we just make a K-Mart trip?

    I wanna mask that’s real scary,

    Monster bloody, gross, and hairy!

     

    Who’ll walk the kids? Who’ll man the doors?

    And greet the little caramelvores?

    Yes, here at Faves, we wish you well,

    And that your Halloween is swell!

     

    So when the kids are off to bed, 

    Tired, but wired, confection heads….

    You kick back…you grab some coffee,

    No need to covet Junior’s toffee!

    You’ve planned ahead! You’ve got your own!

    You stopped at Faves to save a scone!

     

    So gobs of ghostly, ghoulish cheer!

    And THANKS for stuff you buy in here!

     

    Ric Seaberg, proprietor

  • Story Lyrics I Lost That Poem About My Mom

    I Lost That Poem About My Mom

    Ric Seaberg

     

     

    I lost it! Damn! I lost that poem!

    I lost it at the beach or home.

    Like ripping off a part of me…

    Words can’t express this loss for me.

     

    I’ve lost my mind! I’ve gone berserk!

    I may have even burned that work.

    I try to keep it off my mind,

    I tell myself, “be still, unwind”.

    Still it streams back to punish me,

    To see how wretched I can be.

     

    Is this a test, a little joke?

    A pun on us forgetful folk?

    ‘Cause there is not remorse enough

    Nor could I ever be that tough

    To weather this absurd mistake.

    Dear Lord, may I please have a break?

     

  • Story Lyrics When It's My Birthday!

    When It's My Birthday!

    Ric Seaberg

     

    June's the time I get to cheer!

    My own fine Birthday Month is here.

    My kids bring gifts-we make cool food-

    I sit and cherish all my brood.

    My friends stop by and leave a wish-

    I serve'm up some funky dish....

    Like strudel with chicken, cheddar, spices....

    We drink and share our favourite vices.

    Then, when we've had all we can take,

    We sing a tune and cut the cake.

    The texture's fine, the icing: GREAT!

    I grab a piece 'fore it's too late.

    I gloat at my dear friends cake-tripping

    Their flying forks and fingertipping.

     

    Yes, I've tried'em all, New York, in Spain!

    In San Francisco, Paris, Drain!

    But when I want the best--no fakery....

    I buy one at my own dang bakery!

     

    Lots-o-reasons for cakes in June!

    Come get one!

     

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